Saving Yourself

my cousin posted this picture on facebook last night with this caption
“This is Kevin Cater’s world renowned photo of a young girl 
on her way to a food bank that was only 3 kilometers away.
It is said that Kevin chased away the vulture who was waiting for the girl to die
so that she could be eaten. The girl is now resting in peace. Kevin did not help her to her destination. Instead he went and sat under a tree, smoked a cigarette, and cried.
But Kevin had seen so many like her. Kevin saw children like her everyday.
Kevin did not help her because he probably believed he could not do enough. He blamed himself and took his life 3 months after winning the Pulitzer prize for the image.”

I’ve been thinking about this picture all day- I don’t know what to do with this information. And like most people who are overloaded with something they don’t know what to do with, I try to ignore it. I had a great day- I even went to Nordstrom’s and bought makeup and a chai latte. Went to the gym. Prepared for a concert I’m doing this Saturday. But every few hours I would think of this picture and just wonder.

How am I living such a comfortable life? Why am I? For what reason? I’m almost bitter about having such a cushy existence. Why God did you give me so much, so much that I can’t feel this picture and what it really means- I feel enough to be uncomfortable and sad but enough to know what to do about it.

I’ve struggled with this a lot- as I’m sure all people do. Why am I here, where I am, doing what I’m doing? How is it helping or hurting the rest of the people in this world? I’m not going to sum this up as I so easily could and say “well we each have our own path and if we are giving 30 dollars a month to World Vision we shouldn’t feel so guilty and each persons gifts and talents if used properly are helping humanity” (like my music could be encouraging people and those people can encourage others or if I ever do make a lot of money at this or have any influence- then I can tell people to care). But I don’t want to do that.

I think that’s weak. I want to be a radical. I want to care enough to not go to Nordstrom’s, to not buy $5 dollar coffee, to not only think about how to best use my gifts and talents, I want to get outraged. I want to get so upset that I can’t eat or sleep. I’m so sick of having information overload and being numb. I never wanted to be the kind of person who is ok if their immediate world is ok and destroyed if their immediate world is destroyed. I wanted to care about strangers, I wanted to sacrifice my life for something greater and I fear that I’m not.

So I don’t know how to leave this other than to ask God to help me feel things until I get outraged, physically sick, emotionally disturbed enough to make some real changes and sacrifices. That’s the kind of offering I think God is looking for, that’s the kind of thing that will save me from a life of mediocrity and self serving consumption.